them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy