kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
i would wish you the best but i am the best
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.