One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Florida man
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
CUTE CAT‼︎
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention