6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap