“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.