Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
When he asks for feet pics
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.