I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
You Might Also Like
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection