My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…