Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.