Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
meow
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
asked my bf how work was today
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
goldfish mafia
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork