*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!