Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Big Sex has us all fooled
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Mouse