You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You Might Also Like
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
This raises questions
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
nyc:
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Noah
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh