I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
#Caturday
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???