The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”