I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
the council will decide your fate
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk