Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
HR said no more nunchucks.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time