What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.