I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash