“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
🙂🙃🥹
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.