Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Monday
let’s discuss
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
tourist season