Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
New comic up. “Ransom”
Breaking news:
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[eulogy]
line?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs