I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot