My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Owl Sanctuary
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long