I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
How people watch movies when they鈥檙e:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver鈥檚 license*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can鈥檛 take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it鈥檚 just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I鈥檇 spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won鈥檛 stand for being lied to by ugly people
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?