“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.