I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp