Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people