In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
put ‘er there pardner!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…