If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
man i love columbo
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure