There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My life in a nutshell
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?