I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?