*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
So inspired right now.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time