Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.