If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Inside you there are two wolves
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]