[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
you stereotypes are all alike
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it