I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Important
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.