Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”