Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!