The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
is this store having a stroke wtf
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.