[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.