[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.