me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Got him!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor