older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I cannot stop laughing at this
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Cool shirt 🙂
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
How it started: How it’s going: