[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?