I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Midwest trash talk
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?