I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.