My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Isn’t
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You’re the water to my grease fire.