“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”