I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.